According to Albert Ellis (an American psychologist), much of the unhealthy negative feelings (anxiety, rage, guilt, shame, depression, self-pity, passive-aggression, procrastination, etc.) are almost always accompanied by beliefs that include demands/musts that we hold on to self, others and life conditions. And such beliefs are considered to be irrational beliefs.
The three basic musts leading to unhealthy negative emotions are as follows:
- I absolutely must perform important tasks well and win the approval of others for the same; else I am no good. Eg. - I must ensure that my deliverables have high quality and receive appreciation for the work. Else I am not fit for this job.
- Other people must treat me considerately, fairly and kindly, and in exactly the way I want them to treat me. If they don't, they are no good and they deserve to be condemned and punished. Eg. - I want my leadership to give me a promotion, therefore they must do so. Else the organization is unfair to me and I will fight with my manager.
- I must get what I want, when I want it; and I must not get what I don't want. It's terrible if I don't get what I want, and I can't stand it. Eg. - I must not lose my job under any circumstance. That would be unbearable and I won't be able to stand it.
While it is favorable to have the above beliefs, it is the demanding nature of those beliefs that make them irrational and result in unhealthy emotions. We continue to upset ourselves as long as we hold on to such irrational beliefs. On the other hand, holding flexible beliefs may help achieve healthy emotions (sadness, disappointment, remorse, concern, sorrow, etc.) and in turn favorable outcomes.
There are three steps to achieve favorable outcomes:
Step 1 - Develop unconditional acceptance of self, others and life conditions.
Step 2 - Convert irrational beliefs into rational ones in order to experience healthy negative emotions.
Step 3 - Go through the healthy negative emotions and use them as a guide to improve our situation or achieve favorable outcomes.
In my opinion, most of the self-help content (books/videos/courses) focus on "Step 3". Such self-help content helps a lot of people to improve their situations and outcome. At the same time, there are several people who do not benefit from such content. Some may not even be in a state of mind to look out for such content. And the reason is because they have still not overcome their state of being upset due to unhealthy negative emotions. This needs to be addressed prior to moving to Step 3.
This post focusses on Step 1 on how to develop unconditional acceptance to deal with the "3 musts" mentioned above.
Must 1 - Unconditional Self-Acceptance
Accept that I am a human being who is prone to make mistakes. I have good traits and bad traits. Despite those traits I am not less or more worthy than other human beings.
Must 2 - Unconditional Other-Acceptance
Sometimes people won't treat me fairly and there is no reason why they have to treat me fairly. Though some may not treat me fairly, they are no less worthy than any other person.
Must 3 - Unconditional Life-Acceptance
Life is not always going to go the way I want. There's no reason why it must go the way I want. I might experience some unpleasant things in life, but life itself is never awful and it is usually always bearable.
Tip - Instead of labelling oneself, other people or life in general, it is better to be more specific.
Examples
General - I am a fool.
Specific - I am not very good at programming.
General - He is a bad person.
Specific - I do not like the way he shouts at his colleagues.
General - My career is hell.
Specific - My current job is not satisfactory.
Once we understand and practice unconditional acceptance, we will reduce our chances of being upset or would be less upset than we earlier used to be. And being in a better state of mind would help us convert the irrational beliefs to rational ones, which in turn would lead to healthy negative emotions. This is a topic for another post.
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