Going beyond the "what do I need"?

As a human being we may have needs. We are conscious about few and some lie outside of our consciousness.  A lot of our time and energy is spent to fulfill those needs. It is important that we are aware of our needs, so that we can make better decisions on where/what/how we would like to spend our time and energy. One of the effective ways to identify them is through "mindfulness" and "journaling". By mindful I mean being aware of what's going on in our mind without being judgemental. And journaling involves writing down the thoughts and feelings that we are aware of during mindfulness. By looking into our journals over a period of time, we get to identify "patterns" and they may help us identify what our needs are. What I would like to focus on the rest of the text is about going beyond the "what do I need".

There are two other key areas to work upon; the "why" and "how".

Why do I have this need?

It may sound counter-intuitive to analyse on the "why", as I mentioned about being non-judgemental. It is possible to understand why we have a specific need without being judgemental; through observance and by being objective. How do we do that? We go through what we have journaled and ask few more questions. 

• What situations trigger these thoughts and feelings in me?
• Do I remember having such thoughts and feelings during childhood?
• Did it start after a specific event in my life?
• Are any specific people involved and what is my perceived relationship with them? 
• Did I come across them in movies, books, podcasts, etc?
• Does anyone close to me have similar thoughts and feelings?

By answering the above questions we will be able to identify why we have specific needs. 

How do I deal with my need?

Once we know why we have a certain need, we try to understand how we deal with our needs. The following questions would help in the process.

• How do I react/behave in response to these thoughts and feelings?
• How long do these thoughts and feelings persist?
• Which behaviors help me cope with them?
• Which behaviors aggravate them?

Benefits of going through the above process

• Prioritize our needs and channel our time and energy accordingly. 
• Identify effective ways to handle our needs and those that have a desirable effect in the long run.
• Identify behaviors that are detrimental in the long run. 
• Determine when we have to stop/reduce investing our time and energy towards something.

Developing Rational Beliefs

As mentioned in the previous post, we will have to start with unconditional acceptance. Post which we progress to developing rational beliefs. The first step in the process would be the identification of the irrational belief. It is followed by disputing (D) the irrational belief and coming up with an effective new philosophy (or rational belief). 

Identification of irrational beliefs

To identify irrational beliefs, look for the following:

• Demands (musts/absolute shoulds/oughts) 
• Frustration Intolerance (I can't stand it/Unbearable)
• Awfulizing (It's awful/terrible/horrible)
• Self-Downing, Other-Downing, or Life-Downing (I'm bad or worthless, He/she is bad or worthless, or Life is not worthwhile)

Disputing the irrational belief

The next step would be to dispute such beliefs with the below questions:

• Where is holding this belief getting me? Is it helpful or getting me into trouble?
• Where is the evidence to support my irrational belief?
• Is it really awful (as bad as it could be)?
• Can I really not stand it?
• Am I really a totally bad person?
• Is it logical? Does it follow from my preferences?

Effective new philosophy

The final step is to come up with rational beliefs through the following: 

• Having flexible preferences (e.g. I want to do well, but I don't have to so.)
• Anti-awfulizing (e.g. It may be bad or unfortunate, but it not awful, and I can still enjoy some things.)
• Increased frustration tolerance (e.g. I don't like it, but I can stand it, and can still enjoy many things.)

Now let's look into few examples.

Example 1

I must ensure that my deliverables have high quality and receive appreciation for the work. Else I am not fit for this job.

Identification of irrational belief 

     I must ensure that my deliverables have high quality and receive appreciation for the work. Else I am not fit for this job.

Disputing the irrational belief

     Where is the evidence that I must receive appreciation for the work?    

     Am I really not fit for this job?

Effective New Philosophy

    I wish to produce high quality deliverables and also receive some appreciation for it. 

Example 2

I must not lose my job under any circumstance. That would be unbearable and I won't be able to stand it.

Identification of irrational belief 

     I must not lose my job under any circumstance. That would be unbearable and I won't be able to stand it.

Disputing the irrational belief

     Is it logical to expect not to lose my job under any circumstance?

     Can I really not stand it?

     Is my demand helping me in any way?

Effective New Philosophy

    I wish to have my job. Losing it may be a difficult situation to be in but I can stand it.

Developing such effective new philosophies would help us in creating healthy negative emotions. We can then utilize self-help content or professional help to achieve our goals or expected outcomes.

Note - In case you continue to have unhealthy negative emotions, there might be a need for professional help.

Developing Unconditional Acceptance

According to Albert Ellis (an American psychologist), much of the unhealthy negative feelings (anxiety, rage, guilt, shame, depression, self-pity, passive-aggression, procrastination, etc.) are almost always accompanied by beliefs that include demands/musts that we hold on to self, others and life conditions. And such beliefs are considered to be irrational beliefs.

The three basic musts leading to unhealthy negative emotions are as follows:

1. I absolutely must perform important tasks well and win the approval of others for the same; else I am no good.  Eg. - I must ensure that my deliverables have high quality and receive appreciation for the work. Else I am not fit for this job.
2. Other people must treat me considerately, fairly and kindly, and in exactly the way I want them to treat me. If they don't, they are no good and they deserve to be condemned and punished. Eg. - I want my leadership to give me a promotion, therefore they must do so. Else the organization is unfair to me and I will fight with my manager.  
3. I must get what I want, when I want it; and I must not get what I don't want. It's terrible if I don't get what I want, and I can't stand it. Eg. - I must not lose my job under any circumstance. That would be unbearable and I won't be able to stand it.

While it is favorable to have the above beliefs, it is the demanding nature of those beliefs that make them irrational and result in unhealthy emotions. We continue to upset ourselves as long as we hold on to such irrational beliefs. On the other hand, holding flexible beliefs may help achieve healthy emotions (sadness, disappointment, remorse, concern, sorrow, etc.) and in turn favorable outcomes.

There are three steps to achieve favorable outcomes:

Step 1 - Develop unconditional acceptance of self, others and life conditions.

Step 2 - Convert irrational beliefs into rational ones in order to experience healthy negative emotions.

Step 3 - Go through the healthy negative emotions and use them as a guide to improve our situation or achieve favorable outcomes.

In my opinion, most of the self-help content (books/videos/courses) focus on "Step 3". Such self-help content helps a lot of people to improve their situations and outcome. At the same time, there are several people who do not benefit from such content. Some may not even be in a state of mind to look out for such content. And the reason is because they have still not overcome their state of being upset due to unhealthy negative emotions. This needs to be addressed prior to moving to Step 3.

This post focusses on Step 1 on how to develop unconditional acceptance to deal with the "3 musts" mentioned above.

Must 1 - Unconditional Self-Acceptance

Accept that I am a human being who is prone to make mistakes. I have good traits and bad traits. Despite those traits I am not less or more worthy than other human beings. 

Must 2 - Unconditional Other-Acceptance

Sometimes people won't treat me fairly and there is no reason why they have to treat me fairly. Though some may not treat me fairly, they are no less worthy than any other person.

Must 3 - Unconditional Life-Acceptance

Life is not always going to go the way I want. There's no reason why it must go the way I want. I might experience some unpleasant things in life, but life itself is never awful and it is usually always bearable.

Tip - Instead of labelling oneself, other people or life in general, it is better to be more specific.

Examples

     General - I am a fool.

     Specific - I am not very good at programming.

     General - He is a bad person.

     Specific - I do not like the way he shouts at his colleagues.

     General - My career is hell.

     Specific - My current job is not satisfactory.

Once we understand and practice unconditional acceptance, we will reduce our chances of being upset or would be less upset than we earlier used to be. And being in a better state of mind would help us convert the irrational beliefs to rational ones, which in turn would lead to healthy negative emotions. This is a topic for another post.

ABC Model

 "Man is not troubled by the events but by the meaning he gives them" - Epictetus. Taking inspiration from this, Albert Ellis (an American psychologist) created a model to illustrate how people tend to upset themselves under certain situations. This is widely known as the ABC model.

A - Activating Event/Adversity: An event that occurs 

B - Belief: The belief held about the event

C - Consequence: Response to the event (emotion and behavior)

As per the ABC model, emotions and behaviors (Consequences) are not directly caused by the events (Activating Event) themselves but by the beliefs (B) we hold about such events. Beliefs can be further divided into rational and irrational beliefs. 

Activating Event + Belief = Consequence

Depending on the type of belief that we hold, we may end up with healthy or unhealthy negative emotions. To be more specific, much of the disturbance experienced by us are caused by the irrational beliefs that we hold about events that occur in our lives. Let's take a look into a scenario to understand this better. 

Example

Activating Event - I receive a low performance rating at year-end appraisal. 

Belief - My manager must not be so discriminative and inconsiderate.

Consequence - I feel angry and shout at my manager for his inconsiderate behavior. UNHEALTHY

Activating Event - I receive a low performance rating at year-end appraisal. 

Belief - It must be my bad time that I fell sick in the last quarter which has resulted in this poor rating. I am going to be laid off.

Consequence - I feel anxious about being laid off and curse my bad time for the low performance rating. UNHEALTHY

Activating Event - I receive a low performance rating at year-end appraisal. 

Belief - I must be a useless person who is not fit for any job.

Consequence - I feel depressed and not interested to work anymore. UNHEALTHY

In all the examples mentioned above, the Activating Event tends to remain the same. However, depending on the belief I hold about the event, my emotion and behavior vary. Also note that the consequences include unhealthy negative emotions. Now let us try to reframe those beliefs into rational ones, to experience healthy negative emotions.

Activating Event - I receive a low performance rating at year-end appraisal. 

Belief - I wish my manager was more considerate of my efforts and had recommended a better rating.

Consequence - I feel disappointed and reach out to my manager to understand why I received a low performance rating. HEALTHY

Activating Event - I receive a low performance rating at year-end appraisal. 

Belief - Sometimes unexpected situations do occur. I may be laid off due to this but I can find another job.

Consequence - I feel concerned and start searching for job opportunities. HEALTHY

Activating Event - I receive a low performance rating at year-end appraisal. 

Belief - Maybe I haven't yet gained necessary skills to perform the role I am in.

Consequence - I feel sad and reach out to my manager to help me with skill improvement. HEALTHY

Hope the above examples helped understand how our beliefs play an important role in how we feel and behave at different situations. In the upcoming posts there will be more information on how to prevent oneself (or recover) from being upset and convert irrational beliefs to rational beliefs so that one can experience healthy negative emotions.