Going beyond the "what do I need"?

As a human being we may have needs. We are conscious about few and some lie outside of our consciousness.  A lot of our time and energy is spent to fulfill those needs. It is important that we are aware of our needs, so that we can make better decisions on where/what/how we would like to spend our time and energy. One of the effective ways to identify them is through "mindfulness" and "journaling". By mindful I mean being aware of what's going on in our mind without being judgemental. And journaling involves writing down the thoughts and feelings that we are aware of during mindfulness. By looking into our journals over a period of time, we get to identify "patterns" and they may help us identify what our needs are. What I would like to focus on the rest of the text is about going beyond the "what do I need".

There are two other key areas to work upon; the "why" and "how".

Why do I have this need?

It may sound counter-intuitive to analyse on the "why", as I mentioned about being non-judgemental. It is possible to understand why we have a specific need without being judgemental; through observance and by being objective. How do we do that? We go through what we have journaled and ask few more questions. 

• What situations trigger these thoughts and feelings in me?
• Do I remember having such thoughts and feelings during childhood?
• Did it start after a specific event in my life?
• Are any specific people involved and what is my perceived relationship with them? 
• Did I come across them in movies, books, podcasts, etc?
• Does anyone close to me have similar thoughts and feelings?

By answering the above questions we will be able to identify why we have specific needs. 

How do I deal with my need?

Once we know why we have a certain need, we try to understand how we deal with our needs. The following questions would help in the process.

• How do I react/behave in response to these thoughts and feelings?
• How long do these thoughts and feelings persist?
• Which behaviors help me cope with them?
• Which behaviors aggravate them?

Benefits of going through the above process

• Prioritize our needs and channel our time and energy accordingly. 
• Identify effective ways to handle our needs and those that have a desirable effect in the long run.
• Identify behaviors that are detrimental in the long run. 
• Determine when we have to stop/reduce investing our time and energy towards something.

Developing Rational Beliefs

As mentioned in the previous post, we will have to start with unconditional acceptance. Post which we progress to developing rational beliefs. The first step in the process would be the identification of the irrational belief. It is followed by disputing (D) the irrational belief and coming up with an effective new philosophy (or rational belief). 

Identification of irrational beliefs

To identify irrational beliefs, look for the following:

• Demands (musts/absolute shoulds/oughts) 
• Frustration Intolerance (I can't stand it/Unbearable)
• Awfulizing (It's awful/terrible/horrible)
• Self-Downing, Other-Downing, or Life-Downing (I'm bad or worthless, He/she is bad or worthless, or Life is not worthwhile)

Disputing the irrational belief

The next step would be to dispute such beliefs with the below questions:

• Where is holding this belief getting me? Is it helpful or getting me into trouble?
• Where is the evidence to support my irrational belief?
• Is it really awful (as bad as it could be)?
• Can I really not stand it?
• Am I really a totally bad person?
• Is it logical? Does it follow from my preferences?

Effective new philosophy

The final step is to come up with rational beliefs through the following: 

• Having flexible preferences (e.g. I want to do well, but I don't have to so.)
• Anti-awfulizing (e.g. It may be bad or unfortunate, but it not awful, and I can still enjoy some things.)
• Increased frustration tolerance (e.g. I don't like it, but I can stand it, and can still enjoy many things.)

Now let's look into few examples.

Example 1

I must ensure that my deliverables have high quality and receive appreciation for the work. Else I am not fit for this job.

Identification of irrational belief 

     I must ensure that my deliverables have high quality and receive appreciation for the work. Else I am not fit for this job.

Disputing the irrational belief

     Where is the evidence that I must receive appreciation for the work?    

     Am I really not fit for this job?

Effective New Philosophy

    I wish to produce high quality deliverables and also receive some appreciation for it. 

Example 2

I must not lose my job under any circumstance. That would be unbearable and I won't be able to stand it.

Identification of irrational belief 

     I must not lose my job under any circumstance. That would be unbearable and I won't be able to stand it.

Disputing the irrational belief

     Is it logical to expect not to lose my job under any circumstance?

     Can I really not stand it?

     Is my demand helping me in any way?

Effective New Philosophy

    I wish to have my job. Losing it may be a difficult situation to be in but I can stand it.

Developing such effective new philosophies would help us in creating healthy negative emotions. We can then utilize self-help content or professional help to achieve our goals or expected outcomes.

Note - In case you continue to have unhealthy negative emotions, there might be a need for professional help.

Developing Unconditional Acceptance

According to Albert Ellis (an American psychologist), much of the unhealthy negative feelings (anxiety, rage, guilt, shame, depression, self-pity, passive-aggression, procrastination, etc.) are almost always accompanied by beliefs that include demands/musts that we hold on to self, others and life conditions. And such beliefs are considered to be irrational beliefs.

The three basic musts leading to unhealthy negative emotions are as follows:

1. I absolutely must perform important tasks well and win the approval of others for the same; else I am no good.  Eg. - I must ensure that my deliverables have high quality and receive appreciation for the work. Else I am not fit for this job.
2. Other people must treat me considerately, fairly and kindly, and in exactly the way I want them to treat me. If they don't, they are no good and they deserve to be condemned and punished. Eg. - I want my leadership to give me a promotion, therefore they must do so. Else the organization is unfair to me and I will fight with my manager.  
3. I must get what I want, when I want it; and I must not get what I don't want. It's terrible if I don't get what I want, and I can't stand it. Eg. - I must not lose my job under any circumstance. That would be unbearable and I won't be able to stand it.

While it is favorable to have the above beliefs, it is the demanding nature of those beliefs that make them irrational and result in unhealthy emotions. We continue to upset ourselves as long as we hold on to such irrational beliefs. On the other hand, holding flexible beliefs may help achieve healthy emotions (sadness, disappointment, remorse, concern, sorrow, etc.) and in turn favorable outcomes.

There are three steps to achieve favorable outcomes:

Step 1 - Develop unconditional acceptance of self, others and life conditions.

Step 2 - Convert irrational beliefs into rational ones in order to experience healthy negative emotions.

Step 3 - Go through the healthy negative emotions and use them as a guide to improve our situation or achieve favorable outcomes.

In my opinion, most of the self-help content (books/videos/courses) focus on "Step 3". Such self-help content helps a lot of people to improve their situations and outcome. At the same time, there are several people who do not benefit from such content. Some may not even be in a state of mind to look out for such content. And the reason is because they have still not overcome their state of being upset due to unhealthy negative emotions. This needs to be addressed prior to moving to Step 3.

This post focusses on Step 1 on how to develop unconditional acceptance to deal with the "3 musts" mentioned above.

Must 1 - Unconditional Self-Acceptance

Accept that I am a human being who is prone to make mistakes. I have good traits and bad traits. Despite those traits I am not less or more worthy than other human beings. 

Must 2 - Unconditional Other-Acceptance

Sometimes people won't treat me fairly and there is no reason why they have to treat me fairly. Though some may not treat me fairly, they are no less worthy than any other person.

Must 3 - Unconditional Life-Acceptance

Life is not always going to go the way I want. There's no reason why it must go the way I want. I might experience some unpleasant things in life, but life itself is never awful and it is usually always bearable.

Tip - Instead of labelling oneself, other people or life in general, it is better to be more specific.

Examples

     General - I am a fool.

     Specific - I am not very good at programming.

     General - He is a bad person.

     Specific - I do not like the way he shouts at his colleagues.

     General - My career is hell.

     Specific - My current job is not satisfactory.

Once we understand and practice unconditional acceptance, we will reduce our chances of being upset or would be less upset than we earlier used to be. And being in a better state of mind would help us convert the irrational beliefs to rational ones, which in turn would lead to healthy negative emotions. This is a topic for another post.

ABC Model

 "Man is not troubled by the events but by the meaning he gives them" - Epictetus. Taking inspiration from this, Albert Ellis (an American psychologist) created a model to illustrate how people tend to upset themselves under certain situations. This is widely known as the ABC model.

A - Activating Event/Adversity: An event that occurs 

B - Belief: The belief held about the event

C - Consequence: Response to the event (emotion and behavior)

As per the ABC model, emotions and behaviors (Consequences) are not directly caused by the events (Activating Event) themselves but by the beliefs (B) we hold about such events. Beliefs can be further divided into rational and irrational beliefs. 

Activating Event + Belief = Consequence

Depending on the type of belief that we hold, we may end up with healthy or unhealthy negative emotions. To be more specific, much of the disturbance experienced by us are caused by the irrational beliefs that we hold about events that occur in our lives. Let's take a look into a scenario to understand this better. 

Example

Activating Event - I receive a low performance rating at year-end appraisal. 

Belief - My manager must not be so discriminative and inconsiderate.

Consequence - I feel angry and shout at my manager for his inconsiderate behavior. UNHEALTHY

Activating Event - I receive a low performance rating at year-end appraisal. 

Belief - It must be my bad time that I fell sick in the last quarter which has resulted in this poor rating. I am going to be laid off.

Consequence - I feel anxious about being laid off and curse my bad time for the low performance rating. UNHEALTHY

Activating Event - I receive a low performance rating at year-end appraisal. 

Belief - I must be a useless person who is not fit for any job.

Consequence - I feel depressed and not interested to work anymore. UNHEALTHY

In all the examples mentioned above, the Activating Event tends to remain the same. However, depending on the belief I hold about the event, my emotion and behavior vary. Also note that the consequences include unhealthy negative emotions. Now let us try to reframe those beliefs into rational ones, to experience healthy negative emotions.

Activating Event - I receive a low performance rating at year-end appraisal. 

Belief - I wish my manager was more considerate of my efforts and had recommended a better rating.

Consequence - I feel disappointed and reach out to my manager to understand why I received a low performance rating. HEALTHY

Activating Event - I receive a low performance rating at year-end appraisal. 

Belief - Sometimes unexpected situations do occur. I may be laid off due to this but I can find another job.

Consequence - I feel concerned and start searching for job opportunities. HEALTHY

Activating Event - I receive a low performance rating at year-end appraisal. 

Belief - Maybe I haven't yet gained necessary skills to perform the role I am in.

Consequence - I feel sad and reach out to my manager to help me with skill improvement. HEALTHY

Hope the above examples helped understand how our beliefs play an important role in how we feel and behave at different situations. In the upcoming posts there will be more information on how to prevent oneself (or recover) from being upset and convert irrational beliefs to rational beliefs so that one can experience healthy negative emotions.

Fahreinheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

The title denotes the temperature at which paper begins to burn. The story revolves around firemen who's primary role is to burn things down, rather than to protect from fire. I felt the initial pages of the book to be slow and dull to read. Part of it was due to the jargons used and things that had to be imagined. It took someone to get an understanding of the characters and plot. Once that was clear, the book gained pace and became more interesting. Though being a fiction, the author has used his observations during his time and created a wonderful story around it. I was eager to know why on earth would people want to burn down books. He also managed to maintain the suspense for a long while. The explanation that the author has given, had a deep underlying thought into the future. Several characters and scenes in the book were very much relatable with the present. That's where the magic of the book is. This book is also an example of how things change over time and move in an unexpected direction i.e. the idea of the story was that information will only be saved in paper and electronic media was not forseen to be utilized to store information. Overall, it was a wonderful book that made me "do the thing" which is the reason why firemen were given their role of burning down books in the first place.

"There must be something in books, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house."

YOEL Homes - An elderly home for the young

Warden - Ravi Sir, good evening. You have a new roommate, Karan. Take care of him as you have done with others.

Ravi (R) - Hello young man, I'm Ravi. You can make yourself comfortable.

Karan (K) -  Hello old man, I'm Karan. I'm not here to be comfortable (with a grin in his face).

R - I understand it will be difficult for a young man like you who is used to move around freely.

K - I don't bother whether or not you understand anything. Just leave me alone. 

R - You seem to be upset over something. Can I help you?

K - Any help from a person like you will only make it worse. So mind your own business old man.

R - I don't expect you to call me Sir, but you can at least call me Ravi. It seems more respectful than calling me old man.

K - The warden might call you "Sir" because of your age. But I give respect only to those who deserve it.

R - Why do you think I don't deserve some respect?

K - If you are here at this age, it means you haven't spent your early life well and it's time to repay your wrongdoing.

R - My son, don't judge a book by its cover.

K - Please don't call me your son. I don't wish to be son of a person like you.

R - I don't judge you; though you are here at a young age. Then why do you?

K - Unlike you, I'm here because of someone else and I don't look happy here like you either.

R - Now I see why you are upset. I'm also here because of someone else.

K - So we are sailing on the same boat then?

R - Not really. I chose to be here and I'm happy to be here.

K - Are you serious? I have been here only for a few minutes and I'm already desperate to go out.

R - Everybody's life is different. My life if different from yours. Take rest for today. We can speak tomorrow.

Next Day..

Karan woke up hearing the warden and got ready. He and Ravi went to the common place to eat. To his surprise, Karan saw many people showing respect to Ravi. This intrigued his curiosity on how Ravi ended up here and why people respect him so much. Once done with their food Ravi and Karan went back to their rooms. Karan began the conversation...

K - May I know why you are here?

R - Someone asked me to mind my own business yesterday.

K - I am just curious why people respect you so much. It's fine if you don't want to proceed further.

R - have told this story to many who have come here and will be happy to say you as well. But on one condition. I would like to know your story first before I say mine.

K - It's not something great. Just a guy who travelled away from home and ended up here by fate.
R - I have all the time on earth to listen to your story in more detail.
K - OK. I was born and brought up in a small town in Kanyakumari district. Once I completed my education, I moved to Chennai for a job. I stayed in a mansion and after making a few friends took a small apartment for rent and stayed there. Since my hometown is too long from here I do not travel there often. Things went well until one day my friend brought in a colleague of his to stay with us temporarily. He has resigned his job and was waiting for the final settlement before moving back to his hometown and starting his new business. Two days back the police came in with a search warrant. They found drugs in his bag and inquired me about it. My friend and his colleague have absconded and I have been remanded here until the investigation is over.
R - Young people like you are getting into all sorts of trouble these days. Having someone to guide at this age, might help save you all.
K - Most of us don't wish to be away from family. We travel to earn our livelihood. The only option we have in such cities is to stay in mansions where most of us are of the same age. Stress at work and peer pressure add to our woes. Also there's no one who can listen to us patiently nor to guide us when we go in the wrong path. This makes youngsters travel in the wrong path without realizing the consequences. 
R - It's quite funny in a way. On one hand, there are old people like us who like to listen and advice but there's no one to speak to us. And on the other end are people like you who need it but are away from us.
K - Maybe it seems funny to your age but not for us. Now, can I know your story?
R - Sure. I had one son who grew up here and moved elsewhere like you to earn a better livelihood. My wife passed away a few years ago and I had to be on my own. I thought through many options and the best place for me to be was here. So I accepted a crime that I didn't do and ended up here on life time prison.
K - You came to prison because you were alone? What about old age homes and why didn't you go there?
R - Most of the people are old and such places only have a few people to care about a lot of us. Being surrounded only by old people would make me feel mentally drained as well. But here, there are people of all ages. I listen to young people like you and help them to ensure they change themselves and live a better life. That is why I am respected here. The warden is a friend of my son and he takes good care of me. Not all elderly ones are fortunate as I am and hence end up spending their time waiting to see themselves or their fellow companions die sooner or later. Let's hope their sole rests in peace someday. 

A few months later.....

Karan was finally released and the time he spent in prison taught him a lot of lessons in life. His conversations with Ravi made him feel pity for elderly people and motivated him to make their situations better. He thought through many ideas until he ended up with this one. He decided to start a new elderly home were young people travelling away from their hometown can come and stay. They can choose to live with any of the elders they feel comfortable with. In that way, they would feel like being with family and would get necessary guidance when required. On the other hand, elderly people will have someone at the age of their son/daughter to take care of them and speak with. The youngsters who stay there would also be given priority in the future when they are old and need a place where they will be cared for. Thus YOEL homes was born. 

Pachayammal @ Payal - 4

The Inconvincible

Neha was born and brought up in Pune. A very mature, independent and strong woman who stands up for her and also others when such a situation arises. She had a round face with a dusky complexion and "chubby" was her pet name. Looking at her tall and muscular physique, people usually wonder if she's a sports woman. But travel and architecture were her favorites. She had her majors in History and that's what made her move to Madurai later. That is where we met and ended up together. Ever since marriage, we manage to travel to some historical place every year. 

Being the only daughter of a private detective, she grew up watching her father and learnt to analyze everything before arriving at a conclusion; the one thing Neha's father is always proud of. Maturity and knowledge combined with intuitiveness makes it difficult for anyone to convince her without the right intentions. Even after so many years of marriage, how I managed to convince her into marrying me, remains a dogma. So before speaking to her about the plan to cure Payal, the whole conversation would have to rehearsed several times. Will have to look for all possible questions and be prepared. If she feels that it won't work out well or is not convinced, then no one can change her mind. Answering to the questionnaire that had to be submitted along with a research grant application would be much easier than hers. She would remember every detail so well that it will not be possible to come up with a new variation to it later. It's during such times that I wish to have had a wife who is capable of forgetting past conversations; only to end up realizing that all women are the same when it comes to remembering past events. They just never forget.

It was time to get ready for the most daunting task; to convince Neha. I managed to find her in a good mood to discuss on this. The plan was to test the antidote on cell lines, then on mice and finally on rabbits. Once everything was successful, it will be administered to Payal. After listening to all of this patiently, Neha asked for the plan to be documented. She wanted to get it verified through friends from her circle. For the first time, I could see her not believing in me. It took me some time to explain and convince her that whatever being done is considered to be unethical and her husband will end up in prison for this. She asked me several questions to ensure I wasn't just trying to woo her into acceptance. After hearing everything, a big shock was waiting for me in the end. She insisted that the anti-dote can be given to Neha only after testing on myself. I was thrown back for a moment. The woman I care about the most in this world, cares for her daughter more than me.

There was several minutes of silence. Neha soon realized that her demand has indeed hurt me. In an effort to console me, she said "We've crossed a long way in life, whereas Payal is a small child. Her life has just begun." Though it did not make me feel any better, it felt right that I had to face the consequences for what I've done. So I agreed with her and left the room.

To be continued.....

Natpu

Parthiban was a great photographer. He took wonderful pictures which he displayed in several competitions and has won many awards. After winning an award recently, he was interviewed by a national news reporter. The reporter herself was a big fan of him and was interested to know about him. Parthi introduced himself and described his journey towards becoming a renowned photographer. Poomari's eyes were filled with awe, hearing it from him personally. She then asked him several questions for which he answered enthusiastically. She asked him what he was planning photograph next and his answer was "Probaby you". Upon hearing this, Poomari started blushing. She then asked him "You have taken a lot of pictures and no wonder they are great. But all of them are from within the urban environment. Have you thought about traveling to a forest or a mountain and capturing the wild?". Parthi stood mum for a while. He was both amazed about how well the reporter has researched him and also for asking about the one thing he wished he wasn't questioned about.

The reporter couldn't understand his silence and wasn't sure either if she had asked something offensive. But soon felt that he was uncomfortable and asked the cameras to stop recording. She decided to give a break and was also curious at the same time. So she went to him personally and asked him the reason. For the first time, he had opened up to her. Her assistant who was nearby eavesdropped their conversation. 

A week passed and Parthi's interview would be appearing in today's newspaper. He was all excited to read about himself. He took the newspaper and searched for his interview. Parthi was shocked reading the headline. Being unable to control his emotions, he called Poomari immediately. She too had seen it but promised him that it wasn't her. She assured him that she'll speak to the authorities and fix the online version. But the hardcopy would have already reached millions and nothing can be done about it.

It has been three years since then and Parthi had just received "Best wildlife photographer of the year" award. He was again being interviewed by another person. He knew what the first question would be and so it was. 

Reporter : Three years ago we read your interview on the newspaper titled "Parthi is afraid of the wild" and now you have received this award. What inspired you to overcome your fear and achieve this?

Parthi : After reading the newspaper I wanted to take the risk of going into the wild but I was still afraid. That's when Poomari decided to help me. She came with me to all the places until I had the confidence to go there alone. I dedicate this award to her and our friendship.  I now have the confidence to be in the wild by myself and to explore new places. 

P.S - We may not always have the ability to overcome our fears/insecurities but friendship always does !!!

Pachayammal @ Payal - 3

Clash of the Conscience

I reached out to Vincent for help and he has pushed me into a difficult situation now; whether to look for a cure or to try and replicate it. Whatever Vincent just said to me over the phone seemed valid. He was right; this could help evolve humans into something great than what we were now. The power to harness energy from light and we will be biological batteries ;). The light from the sun reaches most places on earth where humans inhabit and would be sufficient to cover most of the population. Another good reason for people to have a sun bath and feel replenished. And during the night, we had the moon and our own light bulbs (thanks to Edison, one of the great inventor mankind has known) to serve as a source of light. We would no longer require to do agriculture or domestication of animals. People can utilize all their time to create much more amazing things. But will people stop eating food since it is no longer required to? That's something to think about as well. One thing for sure is that no longer do we have to worry about famine and hunger. This should be the way ahead. Let me call Vincent now and inform about my decision.

Oh Wait!! Payal is my daughter. How could I do this to my own daughter and my only lineage. Her birth was the most amazing moment of my life. And moreover she is a very small child, just a year old. A living doll with beautiful eyes and an innocent smile. Wouldn't it be inhumane to use her for my own selfish research? I would be the most evil person the world has ever known (more than Mojo  Jojo). And if something happens to Payal during research, I would die out of guilt.

A scientist should think about the benefit of a society above all. Considering the benefits of this, I should proceed with the research and try to replicate this. Sacrifice has been the key for several inventions. All of the scientists worked for the larger good. I too have sacrificed my teenage for this research and will not let this go down the drain. The genetic expression has only had a positive impact in all my studies so far. I've also injected it on myself and I'm still normal and healthy. Hence it shouldn't be life threatening. Moreover, Payal is very young and her body has already accepted the gene successfully.

How would Neha react if I told her about this? She's already mad at me for whatever has happened. She loves Payal more than anything and anyone in this world. She would do anything to protect her daughter. I wouldn't be surprised if she even files a divorce against me and take Payal with her. However, she might agree if I convince her that I am only trying to cure her.

Even if i manage to console myself and Neha, how would I prove this to the research community. I cannot exhibit Neha as a proof of concept. It is unethical and a crime to utilize a human for genetic research without proper approval. I would end up in jail for the crime that I have committed already.

Why isn't life simple where things can be just black or white. Let me take some break and clear up my mind. There should be a way out of this...

Pachayammal - Reaching out for help

With all my efforts to console Neha going in vain, it was time to do something about the situation. I went to my private lab located in the underground. I sat there all night thinking about how to reverse this genetic inclusion. I know its going to be difficult task and hence as a temporary solution, I wanted to stop the expression of the protein necessary to produce the pigment. That should be much easier with the current advancement in gene silencing technology. It is being used to prevent the expression of disease causing proteins and also to understand the role of individual proteins. I drew a logical flow diagram of the steps to be followed to achieve this. The first step was to identify which proteins were being expressed in Payal's body. The previous test at my friend's lab only revealed that one of the markers attached to the proteins was being expressed.

I started looking up my previous project documents and searched for the pigments that I worked upon. As I was going through the papers, I stumbled across a signature at one of the corners. I immedately knew whom it belonged to. How could I ever forget this name? My colleague and best friend at the university. And also my partner in crime. Vincent was such an intelligent guy with a great sense of humor. Though most women wantand to hang out with him, he was rather interested to hangout with science. We spent most of the time at the library or lab; not so interested with the boring lectures. Staying overnight in the lab was something we did frequently since we performed our experiments after college hours ended.We were so close to each other that people got into the suspicion that we were probably gay. It was only after he got married to Theresa that the suspicions disappeared. He now has two kids, a son and a daughter.

He is the best person to assist me with this. It's been quite sometime since we have spoken with both of us being occupied with family and work. The last time I spoke to him, he was in Simla for vacation. As it was midnight already, I decided to call him in the morning. I was also exhausted having been through a long day thinking hard and happy to have made a few steps ahead. I had some food from the refrigerator and went to sleep.

I woke up and looked at the clock, it was 11 am already. I tried reaching to Vincent's phone but he rejected my call with a message stating that he was on a meeting and would call me later. I knew his meetings were usually long, so I went into the shower and was wondering how life has changed in the past few days. Neha usually wakes me up everyday by 8 when she starts to the office. Now that she doesn't speak with me, I've been waking up very late for quite sometime. Though she was angry at me, she never missed preparing food for me or texting the first good morning message to me. I had once told her that looking at her text in the morning made my day bright. Ever since then she kept texting everyday. I felt guilty to have hurt this wonderful woman who cherishes my life everyday with her love. Once done with the shower, I had some food and checked my mobile to see if Vincent had called. As expected, he hadn't called back yet. I went down to the lab and started looking at the papers again.

After a few hours, I heard my phone ring and it was indeed Vincent. I did not want to put him under a shock immediately. Spoke with him for sometime about our usual life and work.He then asked me if there was anything urgent or if he could call back again. I asked him to hang on for some more time as I wanted to discuss something important and also that I needed his help. I told him the whole story that had happened and how much Neha was mad on me. There was utter silence and no reply from him. I asked him if he was still on the call. He immediately shouted with joy and said "I'm so excited, this is amazing!!!". This wasn't the response I was expecting from him. I explained him how much worried I was and that I needed his help to fix this before things turn out to be worse.

"I can understand your pain Raj, but think of the bright side of it. Are you sure you want to do this? This had been your dream. A world were people would no longer die of hunger. Take your time and call me back once you decide on how we can proceed about this. I gotta go for another important meeting now."
To be continued...

Pachayammal (Payal) - The beginning

I could still feel the anger on Neha's face. After an hour of heated arguments, things haven't turned out to be any better. I did all my best to console her but only to see them go in vain. Payal, who was very young, couldn't understand our conversation and was staring at us innocently. Neha stood speechless and following a few minutes of silence, tears started flowing down her cheeks. She felt broken inside; who wouldn't be?. She ran towards our daughter Payal and hugged her tightly. It was several days since the incident and Neha hasn't spoken to me yet. This was the first time something like this has happened between us. I knew I was the reason behind this but was not sure on how to fix it. The only questions going through my mind were those from Neha; "How could you do this to our child? What else are you gonna do to her?"

Neha and I were happily married for more than 5 years. Our only daughter Payal is just 1 year old now. Yes, we had some issues with having our first child. I could still remember the happiness in Neha's face on hearing the news from the doctor. A few days after she was born we named her Payal as a short form for Pachayammal (derived from the name of our Tutelary deity , Pachayamman), since Pachayammal sounded out of fashion. But my mom believed that she was none other than our Tutelary and always called her as Pachayammal. From the beginning Payal was much different from other children. She had a normal weight and was active. The strange thing was that she avoided intake of any food. The doctors did several tests and everything was normal. Even after a few months, we still had to force feed her. To everyone's surprise, her health was always normal. 

One summer morning, I was taking Payal to doctor for a regular check-up. My mom was also accompanying me to take care of her. The clinic was locked and we had to wait outside in the sun for sometime. Though it was a little hot, Payal seemed to be enjoying it. She was a lot more active than how she use to be at home. A few minutes later she started developing pale green patches on her skin. We immediately rushed into the car to avoid the sun. My mom looked at me and said "See, you didn't people believe so long. She is definitely our Tutelary, Pachayammal". I didn't know how to respond to it. At the right moment, the doctor had just arrived and the patches also disappeared. We told the doctor about what had just happened but didn't want to risk taking Payal back in the sun to recreate the symptom. The doctor checked Payal and told she was alright. I had a strange fear in my mind though.

We avoided taking her out while it was very sunny. Meanwhile she continued to avoid food which made us feel disturbed. A few weeks passed and we had to take her in the sun again. The patches appeared again and I doubted if my fear would come true. I took Payal to my friend's lab and ask him to perform a DNA test on her. The result confirmed my fears. The genetic material had indeed managed to integrate itself with the host DNA and has started expressing itself. I wasn't sure about being happy or to be worried. There were a lot of questions going in my mind. "What would happen to her in the future? Would this be the answer to millions dying of hunger? How would Neha react once I tell her about this? Is there a way to revert this?..."

I gathered all my courage and went up to Neha. I ensured she was in a calm mood which she always maintained. I slowly explained her about the situation. I was working on a project to test different pigments that were capable of creating energy from light. The gene expression was very much positive in mice. But since genetic engineering on humans required a lot of approvals, I decided to test it on myself. There was no reaction on me but somehow has got transmitted to Payal and expressed itself successfully. This was the reason why Payal was always active and healthy, though she never wanted to have food. She was drawing all her energy from the surrounding light. Neha was speechless after hearing this. She burst into anger. She asked me how I could do this to our daughter and what else I was planning to do with her. I didn't have any answer to it. She started crying and hugged Payal tightly. After this incident, Neha didn't speak to me for days. I was spending most of the time in my lab trying to find if there was a way out of this.

To be continued..

The Origin of Pink Mushrooms

After a tiring week at the office, I felt like going out to the lake and having a break. I packed some food and took my sample collector to collect new specimens for research. It was a cloudy weekend and the lake was filled with lush green grasses after the rain. As I was searching for something interesting and new, I walked across the lake only to find the same old plants and insects. I did not lose hope and kept looking around. Suddenly, I found few mushrooms that have risen from the new rain. To my surprise, it was pink in color, something that I've never seen all my life. I wondered who on earth created it in such a color and why that color even exists (no doubt Mother Nature is a woman). In spite of my aversion to pink, it still looked pretty attractive. I sat down on the ground and took a closer look at it. Colored mushrooms are usually dangerous and might be poisonous. Hence I took my glove to collect a sample of it. As I was about to curb one of them, I heard a voice screaming "Hey hold on, do not try to steal my mushrooms!!”. 

I looked above and wasn't surprised to see a girl. As I walked towards her she looked me into my eyes and I was mesmerized over it. She stood there with a cute dimple on her cheeks and a well combed curly hair; as if she was posing for a photograph. I explained her that I had never seen a pink colored mushroom and I was only collecting a small sample for research. She smiled at me and said that she had invented them in her lab through genetic engineering. I felt amazed and told her that I was a researcher as well. I saw an element of surprise on her face and her sharp eyes that would throb any man’s heart. She introduced herself as Neha and told me that she was also happy to meet a fellow researcher and invited me to her lab. I accepted her invitation and walked down the street for a few minutes before reaching an old garage. The inside of the garage was simple. She then opened a door on the floor that led us downstairs. Everything after that was just fascinating. She had a new technology in place to scan her identity. The system scanned her skin for chemicals and microbes to identify her. It was so huge with many researchers working there. I told her how amazing it was and I would love to have a lab like this. She told me that there was a competition going on and I could come work in the lab if I wished to. I asked her for more details.

She was interested in genetic engineering and protein expression. Pink was her favorite color and she had created these pink mushrooms in her college lab by accident. However it was not possible to recreate the mushrooms for some reason. She took this up with several researchers but they were of no use and only made her more depressed. Her father who was worried looking at his daughter like this decided to hold up a competition. He had given advertisements stating that whosoever shall create pink mushrooms will be awarded with 1 million rupees. That is why he built this huge lab where researchers could come and work. A lot of researchers tried and failed. She asked me if I was up for the challenge. I agreed for it and had to sign an agreement for non-disclosure. I told her that I would come there during the weekends and work on this. The first weekend arrived; I entered the lab and was shocked to see that there were 50 other fellow researchers (competitors) along with me. All of them were ahead of me by weeks, some by months and a few by years. Everyone had a separate locker to keep their protocols and samples safely. We hardly spoke with each other as everyone saw the other as their competitor. For me, it was the girl more than the money. A few months passed by and I came to know that one of the guys gave up. After a few months two more left the lab while a few more joined the competition. Months passed by and I was nowhere near the pink mushrooms. But I managed to get near to her heart. She too liked me and helped me with research at times. A lot of jealousy spread across the lab among others because of this.

One fine day while at office, I received a forward message in WhatsApp group. It was the picture of a guy who was missing. It’s not so unusual that I receive such forward messages but I felt that I had seen him somewhere. I realized he was one of my fellow researchers working in the lab. I called the other guys and asked if they knew any details about him. We tried calling his number but to no avail. We never heard back from him and neither did his parents. A few months later, there was news on the TV that a guy was found dead in the lake where I use to go for the weekend. Shockingly he happened to be another guy working in the lab who just left recently. I grew suspicious that something might be happening to those who leave the lab. I knew a guy who was about to give up on his challenge. I managed to steal his spectacles and placed a micro GPS tracker in it. With this I was able to track his whereabouts. A few days later, the device tracked him to a region under the lake. I tried calling him but his number was not reachable. My suspicions grew bigger and I analyzed his tracking data. As I followed his footsteps and walked a few meters, I stood ahead of a huge building. From there, I tracked him to the middle of the lake. I also found that the building belonged to the girl’s father. I asked Neha if the guy came to her house and she told no.

As my suspicions grew bigger, it was time to take things on my own hand. I didn’t want to tell her about all this. The next day, I told Neha that I was occupied with other things during the weekend, so I would not be able to continue with this challenge. She tried her best to convince me to stay back in the lab but I stood on my word. Her face grew pale and so did my heart. I knew she too was in love with me. With a broken heart she took me to her father and told him that I had to withdraw from the competition. Their house was huge and had many servants to take care of it. He was happy that people were working hard in the lab to create those mushrooms for her daughter. He looked very kind and polite too. She told me that her father was a great man and had recently donated a huge sum for the school in their neighborhood. As we were speaking, she received a call from one of her friend. She left me with her father and told that she will be back soon. After few hours of talking, he invited me for a dinner at their house next week. A week passed by and I went to their home for dinner. One of the servants invited me to the dining room but Neha was nowhere to be found. Her father saw me looking out for her and told me that she had gone out on an important work and asked us to continue without her. The dinner was a feast to my eyes and stomach. I ate so much that I felt dizzy, a few minutes after the dinner. It was like I fell asleep after that.

When I opened my eyes, I was back in the lab and could see everyone working. I started wondering what had happened. I went ahead to one of the researchers to ask them how I came here again. As I went near them, I couldn’t believe my eyes.  All of them were once working in the lab earlier and had already moved out of the lab. They told me that this was a trap. The girl’s father had built an identical lab underneath the lake. Anyone who decided to withdraw from the competition was brought here and made to work on the same for the rest of their lives. Anyone who tried to escape was killed by her father. Upon hearing this my suspicions proved to be true and everything came into picture. But it was too late since I got trapped in here and there was only one way out; the locked escalator. I went all around the lab to check if my phone was able to locate any network. There was no luck with that. I was exhausted after a while and started thinking about her. I felt bad that she didn’t know that her father was a devil inside. I heard someone opening the escalator door and badly wished that it was Neha but it wasn’t her; it was her father. As I ran towards him, he stopped me and said that he would do anything for his daughter’s dream to become true. As I was losing hope of escaping from here, Neha opened the escalator door and stood ahead of us. She had followed him and couldn’t believe her father was into this. After an hour of argument she told him how much she loved me and begged him to let me free along with others. He said that there were only two options for me to leave this place, either to recreate the pink mushrooms or escape dead. He was not ready to change his mind whatsoever. 

As Neha and I stood helpless, she looked at my eyes and said “Don’t you have any intentions to get married? Why don’t you recreate them for me so that we could get married?”. I loved her so much but I did not want to get trapped in this lab. She asked it over and over again. Her voice kept raising as she came closer. I felt that my life was doomed forever. I felt a sudden jerk and opened my eyes. "Don’t you have any intentions to get married? I asked you to check this girl's profile an hour ago and you are day dreaming with your laptop. What's wrong with you? She looks cute with those dimples just like yours. Isn't her dress so pretty, especially with those gorgeous pink colored mushrooms?" As my mom woke me up, I was happy to realize it was just a dream. “Mom, let me better search for a girl who is not fond of pink. I don’t want my life to be doomed forever”. My aversion towards pink had grown a lot bigger now.