Going beyond the "what do I need"?

As a human being we may have needs. We are conscious about few and some lie outside of our consciousness.  A lot of our time and energy is spent to fulfill those needs. It is important that we are aware of our needs, so that we can make better decisions on where/what/how we would like to spend our time and energy. One of the effective ways to identify them is through "mindfulness" and "journaling". By mindful I mean being aware of what's going on in our mind without being judgemental. And journaling involves writing down the thoughts and feelings that we are aware of during mindfulness. By looking into our journals over a period of time, we get to identify "patterns" and they may help us identify what our needs are. What I would like to focus on the rest of the text is about going beyond the "what do I need".

There are two other key areas to work upon; the "why" and "how".

Why do I have this need?

It may sound counter-intuitive to analyse on the "why", as I mentioned about being non-judgemental. It is possible to understand why we have a specific need without being judgemental; through observance and by being objective. How do we do that? We go through what we have journaled and ask few more questions. 

• What situations trigger these thoughts and feelings in me?
• Do I remember having such thoughts and feelings during childhood?
• Did it start after a specific event in my life?
• Are any specific people involved and what is my perceived relationship with them? 
• Did I come across them in movies, books, podcasts, etc?
• Does anyone close to me have similar thoughts and feelings?

By answering the above questions we will be able to identify why we have specific needs. 

How do I deal with my need?

Once we know why we have a certain need, we try to understand how we deal with our needs. The following questions would help in the process.

• How do I react/behave in response to these thoughts and feelings?
• How long do these thoughts and feelings persist?
• Which behaviors help me cope with them?
• Which behaviors aggravate them?

Benefits of going through the above process

• Prioritize our needs and channel our time and energy accordingly. 
• Identify effective ways to handle our needs and those that have a desirable effect in the long run.
• Identify behaviors that are detrimental in the long run. 
• Determine when we have to stop/reduce investing our time and energy towards something.

Developing Rational Beliefs

As mentioned in the previous post, we will have to start with unconditional acceptance. Post which we progress to developing rational beliefs. The first step in the process would be the identification of the irrational belief. It is followed by disputing (D) the irrational belief and coming up with an effective new philosophy (or rational belief). 

Identification of irrational beliefs

To identify irrational beliefs, look for the following:

• Demands (musts/absolute shoulds/oughts) 
• Frustration Intolerance (I can't stand it/Unbearable)
• Awfulizing (It's awful/terrible/horrible)
• Self-Downing, Other-Downing, or Life-Downing (I'm bad or worthless, He/she is bad or worthless, or Life is not worthwhile)

Disputing the irrational belief

The next step would be to dispute such beliefs with the below questions:

• Where is holding this belief getting me? Is it helpful or getting me into trouble?
• Where is the evidence to support my irrational belief?
• Is it really awful (as bad as it could be)?
• Can I really not stand it?
• Am I really a totally bad person?
• Is it logical? Does it follow from my preferences?

Effective new philosophy

The final step is to come up with rational beliefs through the following: 

• Having flexible preferences (e.g. I want to do well, but I don't have to so.)
• Anti-awfulizing (e.g. It may be bad or unfortunate, but it not awful, and I can still enjoy some things.)
• Increased frustration tolerance (e.g. I don't like it, but I can stand it, and can still enjoy many things.)

Now let's look into few examples.

Example 1

I must ensure that my deliverables have high quality and receive appreciation for the work. Else I am not fit for this job.

Identification of irrational belief 

     I must ensure that my deliverables have high quality and receive appreciation for the work. Else I am not fit for this job.

Disputing the irrational belief

     Where is the evidence that I must receive appreciation for the work?    

     Am I really not fit for this job?

Effective New Philosophy

    I wish to produce high quality deliverables and also receive some appreciation for it. 

Example 2

I must not lose my job under any circumstance. That would be unbearable and I won't be able to stand it.

Identification of irrational belief 

     I must not lose my job under any circumstance. That would be unbearable and I won't be able to stand it.

Disputing the irrational belief

     Is it logical to expect not to lose my job under any circumstance?

     Can I really not stand it?

     Is my demand helping me in any way?

Effective New Philosophy

    I wish to have my job. Losing it may be a difficult situation to be in but I can stand it.

Developing such effective new philosophies would help us in creating healthy negative emotions. We can then utilize self-help content or professional help to achieve our goals or expected outcomes.

Note - In case you continue to have unhealthy negative emotions, there might be a need for professional help.

Developing Unconditional Acceptance

According to Albert Ellis (an American psychologist), much of the unhealthy negative feelings (anxiety, rage, guilt, shame, depression, self-pity, passive-aggression, procrastination, etc.) are almost always accompanied by beliefs that include demands/musts that we hold on to self, others and life conditions. And such beliefs are considered to be irrational beliefs.

The three basic musts leading to unhealthy negative emotions are as follows:

1. I absolutely must perform important tasks well and win the approval of others for the same; else I am no good.  Eg. - I must ensure that my deliverables have high quality and receive appreciation for the work. Else I am not fit for this job.
2. Other people must treat me considerately, fairly and kindly, and in exactly the way I want them to treat me. If they don't, they are no good and they deserve to be condemned and punished. Eg. - I want my leadership to give me a promotion, therefore they must do so. Else the organization is unfair to me and I will fight with my manager.  
3. I must get what I want, when I want it; and I must not get what I don't want. It's terrible if I don't get what I want, and I can't stand it. Eg. - I must not lose my job under any circumstance. That would be unbearable and I won't be able to stand it.

While it is favorable to have the above beliefs, it is the demanding nature of those beliefs that make them irrational and result in unhealthy emotions. We continue to upset ourselves as long as we hold on to such irrational beliefs. On the other hand, holding flexible beliefs may help achieve healthy emotions (sadness, disappointment, remorse, concern, sorrow, etc.) and in turn favorable outcomes.

There are three steps to achieve favorable outcomes:

Step 1 - Develop unconditional acceptance of self, others and life conditions.

Step 2 - Convert irrational beliefs into rational ones in order to experience healthy negative emotions.

Step 3 - Go through the healthy negative emotions and use them as a guide to improve our situation or achieve favorable outcomes.

In my opinion, most of the self-help content (books/videos/courses) focus on "Step 3". Such self-help content helps a lot of people to improve their situations and outcome. At the same time, there are several people who do not benefit from such content. Some may not even be in a state of mind to look out for such content. And the reason is because they have still not overcome their state of being upset due to unhealthy negative emotions. This needs to be addressed prior to moving to Step 3.

This post focusses on Step 1 on how to develop unconditional acceptance to deal with the "3 musts" mentioned above.

Must 1 - Unconditional Self-Acceptance

Accept that I am a human being who is prone to make mistakes. I have good traits and bad traits. Despite those traits I am not less or more worthy than other human beings. 

Must 2 - Unconditional Other-Acceptance

Sometimes people won't treat me fairly and there is no reason why they have to treat me fairly. Though some may not treat me fairly, they are no less worthy than any other person.

Must 3 - Unconditional Life-Acceptance

Life is not always going to go the way I want. There's no reason why it must go the way I want. I might experience some unpleasant things in life, but life itself is never awful and it is usually always bearable.

Tip - Instead of labelling oneself, other people or life in general, it is better to be more specific.

Examples

     General - I am a fool.

     Specific - I am not very good at programming.

     General - He is a bad person.

     Specific - I do not like the way he shouts at his colleagues.

     General - My career is hell.

     Specific - My current job is not satisfactory.

Once we understand and practice unconditional acceptance, we will reduce our chances of being upset or would be less upset than we earlier used to be. And being in a better state of mind would help us convert the irrational beliefs to rational ones, which in turn would lead to healthy negative emotions. This is a topic for another post.

ABC Model

 "Man is not troubled by the events but by the meaning he gives them" - Epictetus. Taking inspiration from this, Albert Ellis (an American psychologist) created a model to illustrate how people tend to upset themselves under certain situations. This is widely known as the ABC model.

A - Activating Event/Adversity: An event that occurs 

B - Belief: The belief held about the event

C - Consequence: Response to the event (emotion and behavior)

As per the ABC model, emotions and behaviors (Consequences) are not directly caused by the events (Activating Event) themselves but by the beliefs (B) we hold about such events. Beliefs can be further divided into rational and irrational beliefs. 

Activating Event + Belief = Consequence

Depending on the type of belief that we hold, we may end up with healthy or unhealthy negative emotions. To be more specific, much of the disturbance experienced by us are caused by the irrational beliefs that we hold about events that occur in our lives. Let's take a look into a scenario to understand this better. 

Example

Activating Event - I receive a low performance rating at year-end appraisal. 

Belief - My manager must not be so discriminative and inconsiderate.

Consequence - I feel angry and shout at my manager for his inconsiderate behavior. UNHEALTHY

Activating Event - I receive a low performance rating at year-end appraisal. 

Belief - It must be my bad time that I fell sick in the last quarter which has resulted in this poor rating. I am going to be laid off.

Consequence - I feel anxious about being laid off and curse my bad time for the low performance rating. UNHEALTHY

Activating Event - I receive a low performance rating at year-end appraisal. 

Belief - I must be a useless person who is not fit for any job.

Consequence - I feel depressed and not interested to work anymore. UNHEALTHY

In all the examples mentioned above, the Activating Event tends to remain the same. However, depending on the belief I hold about the event, my emotion and behavior vary. Also note that the consequences include unhealthy negative emotions. Now let us try to reframe those beliefs into rational ones, to experience healthy negative emotions.

Activating Event - I receive a low performance rating at year-end appraisal. 

Belief - I wish my manager was more considerate of my efforts and had recommended a better rating.

Consequence - I feel disappointed and reach out to my manager to understand why I received a low performance rating. HEALTHY

Activating Event - I receive a low performance rating at year-end appraisal. 

Belief - Sometimes unexpected situations do occur. I may be laid off due to this but I can find another job.

Consequence - I feel concerned and start searching for job opportunities. HEALTHY

Activating Event - I receive a low performance rating at year-end appraisal. 

Belief - Maybe I haven't yet gained necessary skills to perform the role I am in.

Consequence - I feel sad and reach out to my manager to help me with skill improvement. HEALTHY

Hope the above examples helped understand how our beliefs play an important role in how we feel and behave at different situations. In the upcoming posts there will be more information on how to prevent oneself (or recover) from being upset and convert irrational beliefs to rational beliefs so that one can experience healthy negative emotions.

Fahreinheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

The title denotes the temperature at which paper begins to burn. The story revolves around firemen who's primary role is to burn things down, rather than to protect from fire. I felt the initial pages of the book to be slow and dull to read. Part of it was due to the jargons used and things that had to be imagined. It took someone to get an understanding of the characters and plot. Once that was clear, the book gained pace and became more interesting. Though being a fiction, the author has used his observations during his time and created a wonderful story around it. I was eager to know why on earth would people want to burn down books. He also managed to maintain the suspense for a long while. The explanation that the author has given, had a deep underlying thought into the future. Several characters and scenes in the book were very much relatable with the present. That's where the magic of the book is. This book is also an example of how things change over time and move in an unexpected direction i.e. the idea of the story was that information will only be saved in paper and electronic media was not forseen to be utilized to store information. Overall, it was a wonderful book that made me "do the thing" which is the reason why firemen were given their role of burning down books in the first place.

"There must be something in books, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house."

YOEL Homes - An elderly home for the young

Warden - Ravi Sir, good evening. You have a new roommate, Karan. Take care of him as you have done with others.

Ravi (R) - Hello young man, I'm Ravi. You can make yourself comfortable.

Karan (K) -  Hello old man, I'm Karan. I'm not here to be comfortable (with a grin in his face).

R - I understand it will be difficult for a young man like you who is used to move around freely.

K - I don't bother whether or not you understand anything. Just leave me alone. 

R - You seem to be upset over something. Can I help you?

K - Any help from a person like you will only make it worse. So mind your own business old man.

R - I don't expect you to call me Sir, but you can at least call me Ravi. It seems more respectful than calling me old man.

K - The warden might call you "Sir" because of your age. But I give respect only to those who deserve it.

R - Why do you think I don't deserve some respect?

K - If you are here at this age, it means you haven't spent your early life well and it's time to repay your wrongdoing.

R - My son, don't judge a book by its cover.

K - Please don't call me your son. I don't wish to be son of a person like you.

R - I don't judge you; though you are here at a young age. Then why do you?

K - Unlike you, I'm here because of someone else and I don't look happy here like you either.

R - Now I see why you are upset. I'm also here because of someone else.

K - So we are sailing on the same boat then?

R - Not really. I chose to be here and I'm happy to be here.

K - Are you serious? I have been here only for a few minutes and I'm already desperate to go out.

R - Everybody's life is different. My life if different from yours. Take rest for today. We can speak tomorrow.

Next Day..

Karan woke up hearing the warden and got ready. He and Ravi went to the common place to eat. To his surprise, Karan saw many people showing respect to Ravi. This intrigued his curiosity on how Ravi ended up here and why people respect him so much. Once done with their food Ravi and Karan went back to their rooms. Karan began the conversation...

K - May I know why you are here?

R - Someone asked me to mind my own business yesterday.

K - I am just curious why people respect you so much. It's fine if you don't want to proceed further.

R - have told this story to many who have come here and will be happy to say you as well. But on one condition. I would like to know your story first before I say mine.

K - It's not something great. Just a guy who travelled away from home and ended up here by fate.
R - I have all the time on earth to listen to your story in more detail.
K - OK. I was born and brought up in a small town in Kanyakumari district. Once I completed my education, I moved to Chennai for a job. I stayed in a mansion and after making a few friends took a small apartment for rent and stayed there. Since my hometown is too long from here I do not travel there often. Things went well until one day my friend brought in a colleague of his to stay with us temporarily. He has resigned his job and was waiting for the final settlement before moving back to his hometown and starting his new business. Two days back the police came in with a search warrant. They found drugs in his bag and inquired me about it. My friend and his colleague have absconded and I have been remanded here until the investigation is over.
R - Young people like you are getting into all sorts of trouble these days. Having someone to guide at this age, might help save you all.
K - Most of us don't wish to be away from family. We travel to earn our livelihood. The only option we have in such cities is to stay in mansions where most of us are of the same age. Stress at work and peer pressure add to our woes. Also there's no one who can listen to us patiently nor to guide us when we go in the wrong path. This makes youngsters travel in the wrong path without realizing the consequences. 
R - It's quite funny in a way. On one hand, there are old people like us who like to listen and advice but there's no one to speak to us. And on the other end are people like you who need it but are away from us.
K - Maybe it seems funny to your age but not for us. Now, can I know your story?
R - Sure. I had one son who grew up here and moved elsewhere like you to earn a better livelihood. My wife passed away a few years ago and I had to be on my own. I thought through many options and the best place for me to be was here. So I accepted a crime that I didn't do and ended up here on life time prison.
K - You came to prison because you were alone? What about old age homes and why didn't you go there?
R - Most of the people are old and such places only have a few people to care about a lot of us. Being surrounded only by old people would make me feel mentally drained as well. But here, there are people of all ages. I listen to young people like you and help them to ensure they change themselves and live a better life. That is why I am respected here. The warden is a friend of my son and he takes good care of me. Not all elderly ones are fortunate as I am and hence end up spending their time waiting to see themselves or their fellow companions die sooner or later. Let's hope their sole rests in peace someday. 

A few months later.....

Karan was finally released and the time he spent in prison taught him a lot of lessons in life. His conversations with Ravi made him feel pity for elderly people and motivated him to make their situations better. He thought through many ideas until he ended up with this one. He decided to start a new elderly home were young people travelling away from their hometown can come and stay. They can choose to live with any of the elders they feel comfortable with. In that way, they would feel like being with family and would get necessary guidance when required. On the other hand, elderly people will have someone at the age of their son/daughter to take care of them and speak with. The youngsters who stay there would also be given priority in the future when they are old and need a place where they will be cared for. Thus YOEL homes was born. 

Pachayammal @ Payal - 4

The Inconvincible

Neha was born and brought up in Pune. A very mature, independent and strong woman who stands up for her and also others when such a situation arises. She had a round face with a dusky complexion and "chubby" was her pet name. Looking at her tall and muscular physique, people usually wonder if she's a sports woman. But travel and architecture were her favorites. She had her majors in History and that's what made her move to Madurai later. That is where we met and ended up together. Ever since marriage, we manage to travel to some historical place every year. 

Being the only daughter of a private detective, she grew up watching her father and learnt to analyze everything before arriving at a conclusion; the one thing Neha's father is always proud of. Maturity and knowledge combined with intuitiveness makes it difficult for anyone to convince her without the right intentions. Even after so many years of marriage, how I managed to convince her into marrying me, remains a dogma. So before speaking to her about the plan to cure Payal, the whole conversation would have to rehearsed several times. Will have to look for all possible questions and be prepared. If she feels that it won't work out well or is not convinced, then no one can change her mind. Answering to the questionnaire that had to be submitted along with a research grant application would be much easier than hers. She would remember every detail so well that it will not be possible to come up with a new variation to it later. It's during such times that I wish to have had a wife who is capable of forgetting past conversations; only to end up realizing that all women are the same when it comes to remembering past events. They just never forget.

It was time to get ready for the most daunting task; to convince Neha. I managed to find her in a good mood to discuss on this. The plan was to test the antidote on cell lines, then on mice and finally on rabbits. Once everything was successful, it will be administered to Payal. After listening to all of this patiently, Neha asked for the plan to be documented. She wanted to get it verified through friends from her circle. For the first time, I could see her not believing in me. It took me some time to explain and convince her that whatever being done is considered to be unethical and her husband will end up in prison for this. She asked me several questions to ensure I wasn't just trying to woo her into acceptance. After hearing everything, a big shock was waiting for me in the end. She insisted that the anti-dote can be given to Neha only after testing on myself. I was thrown back for a moment. The woman I care about the most in this world, cares for her daughter more than me.

There was several minutes of silence. Neha soon realized that her demand has indeed hurt me. In an effort to console me, she said "We've crossed a long way in life, whereas Payal is a small child. Her life has just begun." Though it did not make me feel any better, it felt right that I had to face the consequences for what I've done. So I agreed with her and left the room.

To be continued.....